X of ten.

I know cheer

it is only


( when you bring
reveler bundled red
and green sweaters

to my door step in

side )


all these colors flush
when you leave

it is only


all those colors grey

against black and white
of holiday nights.

She serves.

Conversation slows to dust

In the air disturbed drifting
Ghosts of the year I kissed



her and now 


Jealousy without knowing

Ever asking after hearts

Answers winding



in my arms


Held protesting soft and true

Early morning red or white

Losing lengths of myself



in her hair


Washed out paintings left away

Locked in luggage for a while
Sometimes sitting and remember



when she rings


On occasions she hints at

Other passions which will pass
Nothing serious she says



how 'bout you?

& green eyes.

At length I realize
You're a reflection

Looking for pointers
In porno and chick flicks


You said that I fit your

Ridiculous romance
The brand of my buttons
The timeline we share


Can't deny you're lovely

But sometimes in green eyes

It's only me & me

& what & saw on TV



You said you might love me
But don't know what that means


I wish I could fix you
But you're not broken at all


You're happy as can be


I get the feeling that it's over

But I get it all over.

How I like it.

                                             Black
                                        for the
                                           most
                                              part.

             I might dabble in green but always prefer,
             always   return to black.  Not just some-what black:
                I won't      be satisfied until it's opaque.              Let
                  it steep         until it's cool enough to           drink.
                    Black         and bitter. So bitter. So      good -
                    - company improves the taste, although
                         I'm quite satisfied to sit with
                             a book, or to simply sit.
Sometimes (not nearly as often as I used to, but we must
always make exceptions to having less time to ourselves)
                  I take the time to sit and soak you in.

                                 This is how I like it.

Everything you want is just a dream.

Well it's true
That you can't have everything
Everything you want is just a dream

A way to make you lose your place


This is you
Reflected in your summer days

A photo framed of one more way

Pictures left of you --



 (Or a journal where I quoted

Quite enough to not forget

The way you made me real)



 -- so I could say:


This is a chance to make an ending
As endings pass us by.

It's all been done before.

Before long our calls extended
two hours & range to cover

more than I ever intended.


I get the funny feeling that

you don't trust that I am real
(or you're not quite certain yet).


This is
what I
dream of
sometimes


on & on.

Post-election saison.

When the rain sets in
I remember when the rain set in

And when the rain sets in

I remember leaving you


Sunday night again

In the dim light watching you sleep
When it was too clear

Clear to me you were complete


I tried to fit you
To fit you like a puzzle piece
I tried to fit you
To fit you like a couple sweet


When the rain sets in
I remember when the rain set in
And when the rain sets in

I remember leaving you


In late November

We missed the signs that passed us by
The roadside littered

With all these dreams that drift and die


I tried to draw out

Buried between our grey on white

If you had your doubts
In the way I tried to hold you tight


When the rain sets in

I remember when the rain set in

And when the rain sets in
I remember leaving you

Four friends and lovers.

I couldn't sleep last night
I watched the drifts set in

Snow hid the way you left

Shedding your restless skin


All of your steps blanked out
Though not the things we were

Or how you poured yourself

Out of the ice we stirred


Still winter can be said

To preclude something new
A chance to thaw these dreams

Or try our hearts anew


For now an artist set

Before a blank canvas


I draw out mem'ries & regrets

Belief is a moment lost to everyone I know.

In the evening earth was shaken
Leaving us unnerved but close
Untold inches earthquake stolen


All the tons of earth that kept us
Buried bodies stone and clay
Fall away and leave us frightened


Tell me what ends we might pursue

To the hearts we thought we knew

Let go of all our futures

Hold close everything I see

And these ends draw you to me


Belief is a moment

Lost to everyone I know
Faith in love was first to go


In moments everything is lost

We rediscover hope and trust

The days we have are left to us


Tell me what ends might bring us close

Between rage and earth exposed

All hope is endless water

Put my trust in what I see

And these ends draws you to me


Oh --- I would gamble

All the life I have to play
On a chance for just one day.

Forth and back of hearts.

It was late last night in Autumn
Lost amidst our Eve and Adam

Where they strayed

Before they lost their way


On the the edge of my perception
I discerned the sad perfection

Something true
Her eyes were set on you


She was something so familiar

I perceived at once you knew her

But so strange
She was too much the same


If all the ghosts I locked away

Would do their best to stay that way

Moving on
I would be long since gone


But I watched you drawing nearer

In the dream you reached out to her
Puzzle piece
Your finger tips must meet


Two of you so hesitated

Lost in past and future fated

Wanting that

Some other claims to have


If your hopes are set to save her

Push your fingers through the mirror

Disappear
And let her heart be free.

How this felt all those months ago.

Radical surgery was proposed
You had never bought into anything particularly radical

Ever the level family man
Who wants to walk around with a catheter the rest of his life?


So we try radiation therapy

Your memory begins to fade
Followed by the rest of you

One long year slips into another


I visit for the holidays not knowing

These are your last; mom buys you a new television
The black slab blocks out the living room

One more comfort swept away; you cry and I'm uncomfortable


I try my best to soak you up

You are drying out your skin stretched so thin
Sitting there smoking in your living room

Saying goodbye good

One heart break.

There again fair heart

One lingers long after

Those others are silent


Pardon me this question

Was this the ending then

No other hearts to write
?

In a way my dear friend
If you must know listen

There was not just one heart


But most faded away
Quickly slowly all fade

But for one and this one


Was the heart that ended
Not fading at all but

Catastrophic ending


Ricky Skaggs said it best

No one can hurt you like

Someone you love he said


I admit I do not
Miss her now indeed I
All but forgot her when


A true heart came my way


But heartbreak provides

For beautiful stories

Let my heartbreak again

But why aren't we?

We - only one word
Embraces the whole of a heart undeterred


"When - will we begin

Believing in something we both want again?"


I - said what I should

Reminded of moments all misunderstood


Then - just shook her head

Proceeded to leave nothing else left unsaid.

Some times frozen.

Felt you startle in the midst of flight
Filter through me as a morning might

All my fingers left to fall unwound
Your feet hit the ground

With barely a sound


Found you settled on the highest stair
Frosty moonshine set inside your hair

All the worry that your eyes bestow

You could never know
But you never know


For all the fears you laid at my feet

Flaws must riddle your every belief

You assembled the fleet of your friends

But they can't put ends
Together again

After this or any other summer.

Autumn at length
declares that she has lost enough
she takes her leave
she sets her things beside the door

and whispers Once

I might have loved you

but now she says I'm not so sure.

You and I have been gone so long
and now I can't be sure so long.

So slow her heart
aches out of me and settles where
I cannot reach
we chance to meet but she demurs
and whispers Once


I thought I'd miss you


but now she says I'm not so sure.

You and I have been gone so long

and now I can't be sure so long.


A tragedy
that two hearts frame a season ends
but does not fade
and Autumn still sits sweet allure
and whispers Once

I had forgot you

but now she says I'm not so sure.
You and I have been gone so long

and now I can't be sure so long.


I cannot help but be so sure
that this is just so long


for now


so long.


This heart is so comfortable.

Here. This place.
City stretched out beneath us.
This is the place we always come back to.
You 
(just just outside me) sitting hip to hip,
laughing so so so


I wrap my arms around.
Try to hold you down.
 Not long.
Just time enough to trace a line
around something I saw before
I met
 you you you


Then my fingers wander
In your hair. You. Don't.
 Even.
Try. And I am so amazed that
you (just being there) are wonderful enough
to
 capture me


I think you might be

Broken (but that's okay


Me too).

& all the things you thought before.

& is more than this:

the indent where if
fingers raw

brushed some

heart this one holds breath


& lingers after

a hope that this might

(re shaped) fit

casts of

well remembered shades


& knew too I knew

fleeting this would fade
in to gray
or this:

so on to love and

So many steps I've already taken in this direction...

If you had told me, years ago
That I would have taken this path
I would have laughed.


The thing I've most enjoyed in life is:

An open door. I've never been able to say
Yes. This is what I want. I'm ready to settle for:



...


So I've collected these moments and memories and skill sets.



Then

Not too long ago I finally said, Okay.

Here we go.
This is what I want to do.


Do you have any idea how terrifying it is to give up

Wide open plains for standard gauge track?


And yet, even if the possibilities aren't as endless...

You'll get farther, faster, this way.

The earth can only hold us if we hold ourselves there.

Midnight silhouettes the flowers in your hair

Caught me by surprise the autumn stare you wear


Hands in mine

Intentions clear

Your shoes weren't made to fly
Leave them here


The earth can only hold us

If we hold ourselves there.


Shadows paint the things you fold about yourself
All the ink and feathers you keep on the shelf


Long ago

You used to fly
Give these old wings a chance

One more try


The earth can only hold us
If we hold ourselves there.


You looked so long and quiet at the inch between our pair
If there's a cure for loneliness maybe you could find it there


Won't say what

You're looking for
But then you follow me
Off the floor


The earth can only hold us
If we hold ourselves there.

She is.

I don't think I've seen her buy anything ever (She
Says absence makes the heart go green)



She is, she is.


I can see right through her lies if she lies ever (She
Scratches her face but comes out clean)


She is, she is.


Unrehearsed, my friend

But I fell in love
With a bright
Summer day


Tenuous, my friend
But I fell in love

With the breeze

On my face

I tried to wake you (It was just to say goodbye)

I tried to wake you (It was just to say goodbye)

Thought that it was fair to let you know


You just turned away

Murmured through sleep
That in your dreams

In your dreams I never leave


There is nothing so arresting

As you settled in my outline


The nightlight reveals traces of my thumbs

Soft like the imprints of the ghosts

You keep hidden in your head

All bruises wear away in time

B3H 3R3

A box in the basement covered in dust.
The cardboard has seen better days.

Top sunk in from long neglect, one

Name written on the side - a child's scrawl.


We slide the flaps open, and laugh in delight. Inside:
Old friends, all these words. We pull them out like old

Stuffed toys, sliding fingers against soft letters, minding

Tears and smudges, smoothing down tattered edges.


Hold these close a while. Tomorrow, back to being friends.

I swear this is the last.

If I put you together and you break
Do you fault my assemblage?

If you lose your way and you falter
Is it my fault? Am I blameworthy?
I don't think so. You are your own
Person. Be strong. And yet I cannot


Ignore this history behind us, between

Us, of us, youandi we made eachother.


If I put you together and you break

Do you think I would come running

After you, some sort of white night

white banner white horse you're so
Stubborn. You. Are. Don't think

I don't know you at all.


You would think - you would think that

With all these years between us, of us
I would know what you want. I don't

Have the slightest idea what drives you.


And then you falter. If ever there was a moment
To have resolve, this is it. I cannot fix this.
You have to put yourself
Together again.

All at once you look across a crowded room.

i obscure help not

at all true and gentle

man but when
you draw so close

close i burn



you


shy: away from

this perchance at
fault divided or

all mine or yours
if ever



this


handsclasp won
another kiss

fullcontact

me and you
then: again



perhaps


tomorrow smile
smile and heat

heat and heart
your heart draws
close careful close


i burn

So many words would not.

Close my eyes make this mem'ry sweet
The blush and rose where we first meet
Such pretense should I e'er assume
To know how lovely Spring in bloom 


This moment passed, our hands share time
The space between us close aligned
To hearts in secrets speak surprise
And match the pigment in our eyes 


Here Spring sweethearts by riverside
Our hands left frozen in bright light
Her beauty, laughter set in time
These features pink and lips on mine

Autumn shades to spare.

She watches wistful passings where
a gentleman may long demur


the long expanse of shoulder, fair
and tempting, sit adjacent me;


her attitude that laissez faire

as if by furtive kiss conferred


surreptitious and solitaire
she waits in autumn shades and he


with winter mail and spring despair
evoked by summer long deferred


rides roughshod through that head of hair

with aims of autumn shades to spare.

Where does one even begin?

She has all the
subtle allure

one commonly
attributes to

the bourgeois;


beautiful and

when she smiles
my heart

stops.

The truth of the matter.

We are married four years

still she will not let me in

the space she has hallowed
with memories of moments

from before I knew her


She holds herself separate

with that far away look and

momentary grimace and how
she whispers "god damn it"
when no one is listening


I had imagined, given time
we would grow together
so when the sun set

we would be one

single gnarled stump


Instead we are stars orbiting

always falling together
always racing away

in equal measures

ever the same distance apart.

Ham III.ii.240

You know that I've asked you to never wait for me
If I am not looking, well, that doesn't have to mean

That you should be lonely, and fretting by the phone

For one more chance to listen to an empty dial tone


And if you are moving on, then that's alright by me
Because, you know, I've asked that you

Would never wait for me

Scandalicious.

Everyone knows, they talk about

This is such a scandalous ---

All dressed up and no place to go


Rumors say that you run away

From the closet of your friends
Beautiful, and yet so alone


If I could make a way in your dreams

Through night's shadow you know I would

In your heart my hands would be untied


You would laugh and say you are 'fine'

Brushing tears out of your eyes

Beautiful, and yet so alone

The greatest confidence.

Stormclouds clutter up the skyline
But they don't bother anymore
We hang our blankets up to dry
Tomorrow night again we'll try
To wander through the drizzling outdoors

Lately I've been left to thinking
These languid thoughts won't let me be
Oh lovely lady long away
I'm speechless, but what could I say
What could I ever say to make you see

Morning wanders through the curtains
The clock stirs and sleep falls away
Stretch kitten-like upon the bed
Open your eyes and lift your head
Let's welcome in another dreaming day.

Oh how all this dreaming leaves me tangled
And in the midst your face is all I see
Sweat upon your body lingers
As I bloody up my fingers
With songs that place you right next door to me.

Leaned into you.

You play a song with a picture that gets stuck in my head
On a short summer night with the stars closeted
In an unbroken sky stretched as far as a heart

Over too many miles and too many bit parts


You play a song with the weather coming out of the blue

With the rain pouring down I found shelter in you

As the storm passed over tried to file away

So I could recall those nights, and I could recall those days



I still recall


Your touch when I leaned into you

The beat my heart would quicken to

Be



Just one more day


You said I couldn't be sincere

Just wait and I would reappear

Be



Just one more day


You play a song matching movements in my melody line

With these mountains between we were just out of time

I tried to keep watching as you set me alight
So I could recall those days, and I could recall those nights



I still recall


Your eyes when I leaned into you
The chance to say I wanted to
Be



Just one more day


Growing old's an easy way that you
Give up on things you wanted to

Be



Just one more day.

Another long goodbye.

Wonder how you measure out the days before you leave

Wake more days unhappy, still you can't help but believe
Spending tears is cheaper than the pain of being alone

And won't it be a shame to climb so far just to let go


Wishes paired with fear would tend to keep you up at night

Burning midnight oil with your plans to make this right

Only to be gasping waiting for the curtain call
Sometimes holding on leaves you with nothing left at all


In the end you've traced your steps back where this all began

Looking for someone to hold and treat you better than
The one who said he loved you and the one who came before
Someone with a hole in their life shaped to fit in yours